while thinking of a title for this post - I always do that before writing it - "change" came to mind. then I remembered a past post already titled that way.. and a post, where I was waiting for and even looking forward to a change.
thing is.. change doesn't simply happen. it's a choice. and everything around me is screaming for it. all the circumstances, may it be work, living or the people around me are arranging themselves around my idea of just selling everything and leave the country, literally. it feels like I'm just waiting for myself to jump.
even though it sounds exciting, this state of mind is absolutely exhausting. the pro's and con's are endlessly circling my mind. taking a chance means giving up something good along the way. it's not all black and white, nothing's 100 % shit, not even my life, ha!
what's essentially driving me up the walls is the fact that I don't want a happy life. I want a meaningful life. being considered rather a cold person, responsibility is THE fundamental emotion my entire life revolves around. all those little bits I consider and weigh around in my brain constantly - I'm at the point where I wake up multiple times a night. I have never been late to school/work ever. I've never overslept.
this pretty much sums up my mental state at the moment. but I also take responsibility for myself, of course, and I'm willing to learn and change if need be. at the moment, I'm trying to stay calm and let some time pass by. I've got some ideas floating around my mind, but I want to be sure it's not just a phase or a crackpot brainchild I've come up with in my desperation.