Wednesday, July 1, 2015

I don't like myself.

I always pull faces on photographs on purpose, so nobody can say I'm ugly afterwards.
does that make sense?

with total conviction, I think I'm ugly, neither interesting nor important. these words are etched into my brain, heart and soul. they constantly show up and spiral down my train of thoughts. they stand in the way of my day to day social life. and it was me who put them there.


get a grip? oh, and what a grip I have on myself. I pull the string of emotions so tight, whether I'm happy or sad, I don't let it out. the only exception in my repertoire is anger. being the loudest of all emotions, it is hard to keep the door shut, if I may put it that way.

it is extremely hard to be yourself. I have a lot of respect and admiration for you, if you can do so. I'm even a little bit jealous, maybe. probably, I want to be just like you and absolutely despise myself for not being able to, and never will be, because [see first paragraph]. - welcome to my brain.

but do not despair, I am moving forward. being in an endless war with myself, I never lost hope that someday I will be the person I want to be. a little more everyday. the first thing to do is stop hiding myself = my emotions. to simply let out joy or pain is a new experience for me, and therefore quite extreme. I found a little poem that described my current state fairly well:

I don't know what a balanced life feels like
when I am sad - I don't cry, I pour
when I am happy - I don't smile, I beam
when I am angry - I don't yell, I burn
the good thing about feeling in extremes
is when I love - I give them wings

but perhaps, that isn't such a good thing
'cause they always tend to leave
and should you see me when my heart is broken
I don't grieve - I shatter.

(rupi kaur)

everyone is different, everyone has their purpose, their meaning, someone who needs them. I get that, of course. but through years of self-hatred, I am tired, and lost, and useless at times, and I need to be needed so badly.

I will start seeing my good sides soon. and maybe even showing them, sometimes. small steps in the right direction make all the difference, if you've been walking down the wrong road for so long.

2 comments:

  1. Love this post! You are not ugly and your blog is amazing.

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    1. thank you for your kind words, arya - so happy I found your blog to follow! :)

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