Thursday, August 13, 2015

my plan


I've got a plan. it's something I've been brewing up in my mind. something to look forward to, something to work for, something to commit. lack of commitment and responsibility is tiring my soul.


I work, I live. I can do whatever the fuck I want: concerts, festivals, holidays.. but at the same time that single fact devalues the entire experience. I don't enjoy things that used to be fun. which makes me constantly question my existence.

while I do realize, that these are first-world-problems, the anxiety I feel with everyday I'm wasting in my opinion now affects my daily life too much: I'm unbalanced, get easily aggressive at work. I've not slept through an entire night for close to a year now.

of course I want to break out. but that would feel like running away. I have been dealing with my demons, with understanding my past better I am finally living a better present. but the hunger is still there. the fire has been sparked, there's a void in me that needs to be filled.

reality check: what IS really holding you back to do what you want? nothing but yourself? if you look hard enough, you'll always find a reason to stay.. "my job is not too bad", "but I just bought a car", "should I really spend all my savings now?" - goddamnit. imagine, you're looking back on your life in a decade or two, knowing you were young, able and free of obligations, and you just didn't take the plunge.

am I ready? who knows, but I'll do it anyway. to be continued.

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