Wednesday, August 5, 2015

relapse


while I have a ton of work to do, I feel writing this is the only thing that really gets me forward. after a year of not a single night of good sleep, for a few weeks I've felt really tired now. I got my 7-8 hours each night, but I felt like I needed a lot more.


after a few days I thought, this is just my body telling me, hey - it's fine to rest now. after all, I had some sleep to catch up to! a couple of weeks later though, I felt the need to get my blood checked - after all, I've suffered from iron deficiency most of my life, hence the drowsiness, maybe?

while waiting for the results, I took it easy... regular exercise, time for myself, time for friends, even time for a date (wooh, hide yo' sons!), all good. or so it seemed.. at the doctor's today, felt exceedingly tired - does anybody else usually get miraculously better as soon as they sit in the waiting room? - and here doc goes: "nah, blood's all fine. but are you actually ok?"

boom. crash. burn. I felt caught in the act.. of course I was lying to myself. again. nothing's fine. I still have no clue where on earth my journey is going, and no-one to share it with. no goals, no reason. I just learned to cope with it better. maybe speak up more. expressing emotions. ew.

the road to purpose is long. and here I am, whining that I AM PERFECTLY HEALTHY. I know I shouldn't complain, but I did. and now I will do whatever it takes to change my situation, because only I can.

for now, I've successfully cleared my head (check), got rid of the nauseating feeling in my stomache (check) and finished work (not quite check, yet..)

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