Thursday, January 14, 2016

2015 - a chapter.

what a year it was. honest to blog, it was a really shitty year. probably the shittiest so far. but towards the end I made a positive experience out of it.. because hey, THAT'S life!


I remember how 2014 ended/2015 started. I already suffered from sleep deprivation for months, our office was closed for two weeks over the holidays - and I was sick most of the time. I spent new year's eve home alone with a movie and a cup of tea, and I remember it not being that bad. I found it very relaxing but still - it was kind of sad.

I tried to boost my immune system after that by doing some exercise, taking some walks. I did get more into skiing and snowboarding in the new year than I have been in years, very happy with that.

however, my physical health didn't really improve, because my soul was suffering. I had to leave my apartment and didn't know where to go. I temporarily moved in with a friend, but that only made me feel more "home"less - basically felt all the "lesses": hopeless, senseless, useless.

I didn't enjoy my job anymore, I was ill-tempered, aggressive really. I thought I had no use in life, at all. this frustration drove me against a wall and I knew I just couldn't go on like that. I wanted to escape that feeling - move away, start a new life - but where? how? why? it didn't feel like escaping, at that point I was just trying to run away.

so I did the exact opposite: I stayed. and faced my problems. all those cheesy quotes "the answer lies within" - they are really true. I began to realize, that I have to put myself first. starting off, I had to learn to not only accept, but to love myself - from scratch.

this is me halfway through the year on my holiday in portugal. I put on a brave face, but I remembered the hard times I had then.. with that in mind, this in one of my favourite pictures of me this year!

it was a long journey.. facing my weakness meant opening old scars. those again fresh wounds hurt even more, but I managed to stay focussed - "the only way out is through!" those were probably the hardest months where I questionned myself the most.. was the new path right for me? the old demons kept creeping up but in the end, it was worth it. I now accept those dark times as part of the journey.

after improving over summer and making some positive changes to my lifestyle, including a new apartment and lots of yoga, I hit another low in autumn. challenges piled up and with them my old habits. but something was different, now I had new ressources within me to conquer those challenges in a new way. that success gave me enough confidence to be more relaxed, simply because: I know I can do it again.

if you're not happy with your life, you must realize: only you can change that. if you blame others & miss the point, you might get used to a shitty life. you don't have to - embrace change & never stop learning!

all that's left to say for 2016 is: I'm ready. 
make it a good one, because it's in YOUR hands, and yours alone.

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