Monday, February 29, 2016

not 19 forever


did you ever look at old photos and be like "oh my, I looked absolutely ridiculous and remember I felt just so cool." - well, to me it is the other way round.

past weekend I met up with some old mates from school, a few I haven't seen in years. from the 5 years we spent together, I only really bonded with them within the final year. while I used to hate myself for being so damn shy/weird/insecure, I've come to realize that I'm just a "longterm" person. 

I find it incredibly hard to connect with people instantly, small-talk is incredibly hard for me and I manage to maneuver myself into the most awkward situations. working in sales with all the networking to be done it's quite a struggle, but I'll get there. the upside is, nearly every relationship I do end up having - whether friends, work or romantic, is far from shallow and short-lived. 

anyway, we ended up looking at photos from our parties and school events, and I couldn't stop wondering how I didn't see myself like I would now. I found a cool young chick with a little too much eyeliner but apart from that, I think I looked damn fine and I'm really happy to see my personality shine through at least a little bit. but the images also brought back the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness, with important people walking out of my life at that time.

but truth is.. good things will happen if you just let them go. I try to stop wondering why - though I probably never will. there's no point denying years or even decades of companionship and that they don't mean anything anymore, they will always be an important part of my life. 

some things just never change, like the dirty jokes or the cheeky winks.. but some do. and that's ok because change is what drives us all, whether we want to or not. the balance between security and the hope for the unexpected is the motor to my existence, what's yours?

2 comments:

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    1. The posts that come quick and effortlessly are my favourite too ;-) thank you so much.

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