Thursday, July 28, 2016

out of control


nothing is certain. so stop worrying about the future because - in fact - it might not even happen.
this is gonna get dark, not sure if I like where my thoughts are going, but I don't feel like stopping them. I'm a controlfreak. and I'm hard on myself. recently, I found myself asking the question "lisi, if you saw one of your friends suffering like that, what would you do?"

...

it's mind-breaking. to look at yourself, as you do at others. to treat yourself.. equally. even after 27+ years, you never fucking stop learning. and then, you're in the motion of picking yourself up, freshly coated in self-pity, when life just gets in the fucking way. pardon my language.

once again I'm reminded there are things out of my control, and it makes me feel helpless and useless, and it's simply not fair to see my loved ones - anyone, really - suffer.. and I have no choice but to be myself, and be there.

it's a lot simpler to make heart and mind work together, if it's the only option.

---

I'm a worrier and an over-thinker. my body suffers with my mind, insomnia, stomach ache - you name it. I am always prepared, for best or worst. this comes in handy for my job as I organize events for a living, but damn, it takes years off my life.

"you need to shut off every once in a while!"
"stop being so hard on yourself, even you are allowed to make mistakes."
"don't worry about it."

thankfully, I am in a place where I can share my fears, and I have loving people around me to tell me that. in case you don't, here I am doing it anyway.

2 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear that you're troubled!
    If you want to talk, you know where to find me ;)

    ReplyDelete