Monday, July 17, 2017

a wallflower

“having a low opinion of yourself is not 'modesty.' it's self-destruction." - bobbe sommer 




oh, I wish I heard that quote when I was a teenager. it was my state of mind in a nutshell.

I had this weird image of myself, inside & out, that I was basically worthless, unlovable and redundant.

I would wear black, plane outfits to blend in, to hide, really. I wouldn't wear make-up because, and that's hard to admit: I thought, that if I highlight my attributes, I would consider myself to be "pretty" and that's such a cock thing to do.

"wft" - right? I thought that loving, even accepting myself, was vain and wrong.

funnily enough, I never judged anybody else for it. oh well, to be perfectly honest, I did, out of jealousy. my thoughts circled around this question all the time:

what came first, beauty or confidence?

starts with how you define beauty, anyway. to me it was mostly "likability". that sounds like an instagram-theme, but 10-15 years ago I admired people for being happy, fun, outgoing - all the things I lacked.

thing is, I can't blame people for not seeing those things in me - if I decided to hide them.

"fake it till you make it" never worked for me, I had to change old habits step by step, and see myself how I would view a friend. that's what it all seems to come down to:

I was never my own friend.

fast forward to now, I'm 28 and it looks like you go through another phase of puberty, or some sort of development in your 20s all over again. while it's definitely easier to make mistakes in your teens, I won't ever be perfect. and that's not the goal!

all I want to do is be at peace with myself and work towards my happiness. and whenever I'm balanced, I can help improve other lives, too! and if it's just with a silly blogpost on here. happy days my friends.

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